It was a year ago that my son, Royce, died. I still wake up and think it's all been a bad dream then I realize that its real. Royce is not here any more. There's no loud music, there's no laughter and jokes, there's no flooding the bathroom, there's no huge phone bills. I don't have to sneak in to clean his bedroom while he's out, I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to let him in because he's forgot his key, I don't wake up to my car just being driven back into the driveway after a mysterious trip down the motorway. I would give anything to have all this again,to hear him laughing at his own jokes, rapping to his music and ranting when he's in a bad mood. To hear him say 'Sorry mum' or 'Bye mum' or 'You ok mum' or even 'Will your car make it Mum' or better still something he would do everyday, take the mickey out of me in one way or another or play a practical joke.

People say that I've handled it well. Thats because I've had Royce by my side, I know he's safe, I know he's never going to leave me again.

The tears still flow when I'm alone though, I remember the week he was very ill, I remember every day of that week like it was yesterday, I remember the morning he collapsed in my arms and I realized he'd stopped breathing. I told him to go to Grandad, his Grandad would look after him and make him better.

I feel lost without him, I think about him everyday, sometimes all day, sometimes I end up driving and I forget where I'm going, or I go into the wrong shop or I forget my money and have to put things back. I'm not getting old I'm just thinking about my son. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself as it's Royce still making me do these silly things. If I look daft then who cares;

Nothing is that important anymore.

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My Poem for Royce

A year ago you left me you said you never would
Its taken a long long time until I understood

You haven't left at all have you? Your still here right next to me
A shining star, a guiding light
My own Ducky angel making my day bright